I want to be independant from the apron strings: a case of Buteo jamaicensis
A 46 year old man, owner of two businesses – selling eco-products and leading groups to travel in India – comes for a consultation in July 2007.
He presents with a variety of complaints, mainly an irritating skin eruption in his groin area. In addition, he has asthma, respiratory allergies including hay fever, restless legs, recurrent sciatica, tightness of shoulders and neck, and a sore left knee following a sport injury to his foot.
He starts by describing his life situation around the time of the first outbreak of eczema: “I was going through tons of shit, getting our business off the ground. These days it’s a different situation – the business side of things is very full-on, but at least, I don’t have mother issues anymore.”
Michelle Boyle: Mother issues?
Patient: “It was just that she and I were at loggerheads, we are very ‘chalk and cheese’. When you’re running a business and working together with your mother, it can be pretty full on - that whole karmic thing. The whole breaking free of me, as a man in my own right, while ‘Mum knows best’.”
MB: Breaking free as a man?
P: “It’s being independent from the mother strings. It’s about being able to stand on your own two feet and not have some co-dependent situation. It’s just about feeling guiltless; about not wanting to let her down, not wanting to be the ogre, not wanting to feel guilty. There were a lot of problems from the time I was born. She was a young mother, home alone, horribly sick throughout the whole pregnancy, and petrified of losing me. Dad went off to work and was a bit of a “Jack the lad”, out there with the boys, doing his thing – in those days women just shut up if they didn’t like it. After I was born, I had an asthma related illness and was in and out of the hospital all the time – it went in seven year cycles.
MB: How did you break free from your Mom?
P: “We sold the business – once it was sold, it was like the return of the prodigal son. My parents were able to retire with some money, and we paid off our debts. It was like I finally appeased my mother, came home and brought home the bacon; like I did my job and was released. Then, I could cut my own trail and she could let go. I felt a huge relief; it was like cutting an apron string.”
MB: What was the stress around the time of your eczema outbreak, four years ago?
P:“Carrying the weight, the burden of the business; living it, breathing it, going to sleep with it, waking up... riding that new wave of... of emergence. ‘Are we good enough?’ Self-worth issues... and trust issues. My mother had those issues as well; she was very anxious, really out of kilter, and she didn’t have any confidence in how I was dealing with my anxiety. She’s afraid of failure and probably afraid of success as well.”
MB: What happens if you’re successful?
P: “It’s freedom from the daily grind, freedom on every level. I didn’t feel free then, obviously, I felt imprisoned. I was very much driven and I had taken on a duty to see it through. I guess the biggest success was for others to be able to see the completion of a manifestation of my strategy. I had to have faith in myself, which I did in the end.”
MB: How did you feel before that?
P: “I felt really crap, really alone, like being in a prison cell and beating my head against my own cell wall. Really disconnected – a very dark, long night. In spite of that, the business started to rise, like the phoenix from the ashes. But even though we were doing well, making money, there was scepticism from the family that used to blow me away. Frustration!
MB: What does frustration feel like to you?
P: “Like anger, but with a spin on it. Self-induced, like gnawing at one’s own flesh (hand gesture of both arms spinning fast in from of him). Not getting anywhere. A lack of control, not having any say in your own life. The anger comes up in a whoosh, and it’s really intense. And when I get the eczema, it’s the same feeling. Something coming up my main channel, coming out (hand gesture: both arms held out wide, as if there is an explosion from the centre of the body). Prickly, hot, losing all sense of myself. Falling into the jaws of something that feels horrible. It’s like being dismembered (hands held like claws, ripping the air apart in front of him).
MB: Do you have dreams you can tell me about?
amazing epics, journeys, travelling, real star-tripping stuff. Free-falling
dreams, falling, falling, falling. Facing some ogre stuff, deep fears. And like
climbing mountains, being on the ocean, feeling out of my body and going around
the universe. Dreams around all the elements: fire, water, earth, air. Like I’m
going somewhere on a real mission.
“Sometimes, I can’t sleep because of restless legs, a feeling of constant pressure building up. Like when you’re trying to expand but there are opposing forces (makes large circles in the air). It’s about knowing what I want personally and what I want collectively. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet, to be able to fly. But I become frustrated ‘Why can’t I do everything all in one second, instant manifestation? I’m working on another dimension and tying to ram it into this physical world. It’s about how I can be an alchemist of energies, turn my ideas into actual things that people can get a lot of assistance from (he vividly describes the feelings of implosion, of frustration at not being able to do all things at once and leaving some things out, meanwhile making frenetic grabbing movements with his hands and a repeated “tjo, tjo, tjo!” sound).
“About once a week, I get really wound up. I wouldn’t leave other people hanging, so I go back to the office even if there is a part of me that says ‘No!’ (At this point, he sees a hawk through the window, and exclaims that it is one of his totems).
MB: You have talked about “cutting your trail” a few times – tell me about that?
P: “It’s setting my direction, a path I want to follow in my life. I want to take off… (hand gestures as if he is an airplane taking off) into that epic pasture where I’m most happy. That’s why I’m on this earth, to expand our consciousness and to become self-aware, to know myself.”
MB: What is your favourite bird?
P: Probably an eagle or a hawk, because of their strength, their sharp eye, their connection to spirit, and they’re absolutely at the top of the food chain for birds. They’re ‘don’t mess with me birds.’ And they’ve got a really strong medicine, in Native American “speak”; it’s about bringing spirit into earth.
Prescription: Buteo jamaicensis, 1M
P: “Well, the remedy turned me inside out. I had major ‘flu-like symptoms and a major headache, sore throat, and cough; lots of phlegm. Lots of wheezy asthma feelings. Sweaty, and I couldn’t operate. It was intense, but relatively short, I was ‘out for the count’ for about two days, and it took another good week or two before I was finally able to fully clear the cough and the phlegm.”
MB: How about the eczema?
not quite as intense, it doesn’t wake me up at night anymore. But it still
comes and goes, and sometimes, it is like my ass is on fire.
“Life is quite intense at the moment, and I am dealing with things that need to be dealt with. It’s like a purging, with toxins coming out, and I’m letting go of things that need to be let go of. These days, I stop and eat when I’m calm and rested instead of eating on the go, like I used to (he makes rapid, frenetic hand movements, around each other in circles). I do that with my hands sometimes; when something is on my mind I get restless and fidgety. I’m restless in bed and sometimes, I can’t stop moving my legs and wriggling.
“These last few weeks, a lot of things have really started to happen, in every area: relationships, business, family, people around me, myself. I am trying to draw my boundaries a little tighter and not be so intent on just trying to help everyone. Mum is still helping me out in the shop as well. She still has her moments, wanting to tell me how things should be done, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. So, it’s relatively stable and my parents are very happy for me that my partner and I got engaged.
“I feel like a magician sometimes, I feel like I have to conjure up things, you know? I manifested $5000.00 on Friday, just (snaps fingers) like that with a phone call. I can do it when I really zero in.
“I’m mixing with different people these days rather than people who live just hand-to-mouth, not really knowing what life is about. I don’t want to be like that, I want to live at a higher level, with a little more at my disposal, a little more freedom.
MB: What about your leg problem?
P: “My leg is coming right. I don’t get any back pains any more. I don’t get any spinal pain. I don’t get any shoulder pain. That’s huge for me. I’ve lived with back issues and shoulder issues for the last 25 – 30 years, so that’s massive.
Prescription: Buteo jamaicensis 200c
P: “I didn’t take the remedy; I could tell that the eczema was lessening, so I just rode with it. At first, it was really bad around the front of my legs and in my groin, itchy and red but not as bad as at first. It went in cycles of peeling and growing back, slowly dissipating to the point where all the redness around the front is gone, except for one little patch on the left buttock. It’s nowhere near as intense as it was.
MB: What about the restlessness in bed at night?
P: "It’s fine – I haven’t been moving my legs
so much. And my personal life has been much nicer. It’s been quite intense, we
have intense discussions. Being laid bare, like being vulnerable. Within
intensity, just to stay open and cool, calm, collected, is intense... I’ve
found I can be a lot more, like, ‘just don’t buy into it, it’s still just
another illusion coming at us.’ It’s important to stay in your power and in
your truth and know that this is just another little test.
“I’ve always been trying to look after the interests of people close to me and in the business. And I’ve always had a kind of integrity, of trying to build the team, so we’ve all worked well together. I’ve got a deep-seated belief that has to change, like being a bit of a martyr, taking on the burdens of others. But, at the end of the day, I’ve just got to move on and go where my heart is.
“I always seem to be living in those realms of the deeper subterranean, it’s the bloody Scorpion stuff. Sometimes, my partner thinks: ‘Oh, God, come back to earth. Where are you?’ I think of all the dreamy stuff, she thinks of the practical, here-and-now, doing the little things, but that makes a fantastic complement. Anyway, it’s all about focus for me now and being clearer about what I want.”
The central theme of Birds is: Freedom versus Restriction. They have a powerful desire to travel, and a strong sense of being trapped, caged, imprisoned and a deep interest in ‘spirit’. They often experience some form of sensation whereby they feel as if they vibrate, their heart races, they become hyper. This patient beautifully describes this sense of hyper-activity.
The central theme of Buteo jamaicensis is: Freedom versus Obligation to others and to family. They have a strong sense of connectedness to others. There is a deep desire to break free from imprisonment. When journeying to India and to the Himalayas, where he can breathe in the fresh mountain air, he feels free and released from any obligations or duties.
Dreams of “Star-tripping”. Being an alchemist and bringing spirit into earth. Dreams of falling, falling, falling. Finding wholeness in the midst of separation and diversity. Impatience. Irritability. Anger. All of these are Buteo jamaicensis’ issues and come through strongly in this case.
But most of all, the archetypal Buteo jamaicensis statement: “I’ve always had, in my energy, looking after people close to me and in the business; I’ve always looked out for their interests but, at the end of the day, I’ve just got to move on and go where my heart is” speaks loudly of Buteo jamaicensis. The physicals also confirmed: eczema shifting from leg to leg, severe allergies, sciatica, asthma and cough. Shoulder pains are common to birds.
 The average longevity for a Red-tailed hawk that survives to maturity is 6 to 7 years; Alicia Lee
Wikimedia Commons: Closeup of the eye of a Red-tailed Hawk (Buteo jamaicensis); Steve Jurvetson
Flickr: Red-tailed hawk in flight; Rennett Stowe
Keywords: frustration, restless, itchy, intense, implosive, imprisoned, release, freedom
Remedies: Buteo jamaicensis