S., a 39-year-old single mother of two children, presented to me in February 2007, with a bi-polar pattern of symptoms. The highs of her manic phases were characterized in the clinic by loud, fast talking, and hysterical laughter, which became pitiful sobbing only moments later. The highs were euphoric and were filled with religious ecstasy. Her eyes would glitter as she communicated with her ‘Divine source’ and she would ‘download information’ at an incredible speed. She was sexually provocative; spent large sums of money and then felt guilty about the debt. Then, she would plummet into panic and anxiety. There were days when she would not speak and many days of suicidal depression. Her despair was profound and her religious faith and a few good friends sustained her. She had a self confessed ‘addiction to love’ and so had allowed herself to be in unsupportive and abusive relationships.
She had an ongoing vaginal condition that would flare up whenever she became distressed or in abusive relationships. It would become very ‘red, angry, cracked and painful’. This caused her great angst, as it was her sexuality that she used in pursuit of that perfect relationship. In her ongoing need for a ‘soul mate’ she would spend large sums of money on facials, nails, hair, clothing, etc., to be beautiful for men and this resulted in her being in a precarious financial position.
Her relationship with her children was filled with drama and they all struggled to have constructive parent-child communication. Because of her very low sense of self-esteem, she was a ‘people pleaser’ and found herself being bullied at work, even though she is an articulate and intelligent woman. I would often have to support her through manic phases triggered by anxiety.
From as early as S. could remember, she recalls the depression and anxiety of her mother, who was abandoned by her grandmother at age four and put in an orphanage. Her mother kept the memory of that alive for her children and S. would often be required to prop her mother’s head on a pillow and make her a cup of tea to “soothe her aching soul.” By the time she was ten, she was immersed in her mother’s depression and started to lose the joy of living. Since that time, she lived for the fantasy of the perfect relationship – loving partner, children, etc.
From the age of six until the age of ten, her ‘attentive’ 18-year-old cousin frequently sexually abused her. As she was known to exaggerate the truth and be ‘a bit loud’ within her family, he threatened that he would expose her as a liar to ensure her silence. The abuse ended when they moved interstate. Typically, S. blamed herself for many years and a part of her just “shut it all down.”
Her only creative outlet was singing and dancing, which she did competitively. At 13, this was taken away from her, as her mother in her deep despair could not be bothered taking her from place to place. Put into a boarding school against her wishes, she felt very unloved by her mother. She rarely saw her father, as he was away for long periods of time, sometimes years, admitting later that he went as often as possible because of the loveless marriage.
S. was lonely, overweight, and carried a sadness that she thought would never end. In her desperate need to be loved, she started having sex at age 14, knowing that there was no feeling attached to it by the boy. She was then known as ‘one of those girls’. This was followed by a string of failed relationships until her first long term liaison, which lasted from age 17 until 22. The man was emotionally abusive and at age 18 she became pregnant and was forced into abortion by her partner and his parents. At age 19, she became a heavy smoker, 30 kg’s overweight and homeless. She had a nervous breakdown, was diagnosed as bipolar and medicated with high doses of lithium.
After this relationship, still searching for ‘the one’ to save her, she started a relationship with a man whose family had a long history of mental illness, including schizophrenia. Believing that all her problems were over, S. took herself off lithium. They attended marriage counselling before they got married in an attempt to create their own family apart from all of the mental health issues they inherited. The quality of the relationship became apparent on the honeymoon when her new husband spent many hours with his new mate, the bartender, leaving her alone… again.
A loveless and abusive marriage followed, where S. would have affairs, still looking for ‘the one’. An affair of ten years ended when the lover died; still she searched. Even though there was very little physical contact within the marriage, they produced two children and when the marriage inevitably ended, she became a single mother of two… still searching. Her relationship with her children suffered as a result of her search. “My life was a mess and I band-aided with lots of therapies.”
When S. became my client in February 2007, she was familiar with homeopathy. She declared a need to be independent and had a deep pain in her chest that she recognized as anxiety. She also said that she had deep-seated anger that she could not release. “The only one I truly loved” had left a month previously. This was another man who she had pinned all of herself to, desperately wanting him to be ‘the one’.
She initially felt abandoned, and after taking Chamomile tincture, she was feeling calmed, more centred, setting boundaries, and enjoying time with her children. She felt that the Chamomile helped her listen but she still spoke of being addicted to love and the feeling of love. She was embarrassed and ashamed because of her neediness. She continued with an on and off again relationship with the violent and manipulative man who had previously left.
For the rest of 2007, she struggled with releasing this man from her life and became suicidal. I prescribed Peridot 30, which gave her strength through this difficult time as she writhed in an anguished emotional state. Taking higher potencies of Peridot brought her out of her abyss. This was followed by a powerful dream of a snake coming at her, and she was fearless; “It was not getting at me anymore.” She woke the next night at 2am, and vomited ‘snakes’ until 4am. She commenced Lachesis 30, which she felt created a safe haven for her. These medicines increased her strength and resilience but still had not moved the core of her addiction, as new lovers would become a part of her life only to have her heart dashed again and again.
In 2009, S. commenced a new relationship that seemed to be more sustaining. It soon became clear to me that although this man was not abusive, he was not going to offer her a healthy relationship and was a sexual predator in some respects. Through this time, she suffered severe vaginal thrush and had a cervical cancer scare. She often had lumps in the breast. I found that Staphisagria 200 quickly calmed her anger associated with thrush. Lilium tigrinum was also used with good effect on her depressive episodes, where she felt tormented by her ever changing situation. Silica 1M also benefited with her feelings of vulnerability, and the episodes of depression became less frequent.
In September 2010, S. began taking Rose quartz immersion 200. On commencing it, she was able to clearly recognize the impact of her own behaviour.
“The remedy has been especially beneficial in allowing me to identify my addiction to relationships and my need to be loved. All my life my relationships with the opposite sex have been unbalanced from my immediate family members, such as my father and brother, to my ex-husband and to subsequent lovers and finally my son. I have felt the need to seek approval from the opposite sex from a very young age, whether platonic or sexual. This approval has driven me to compromise my beliefs and values and has stolen my ability to truly be myself. Even as I write, I feel the pain of many years of unrequited love and the yearning to have love and approval from my father and brother. I have progressively been able to identify some of the ways in which I “over love”, which I now see is not love but the ego’s seduction which creates neediness, insecurity, and vulnerability.
“I'd been dating a man that I knew in my heart was not appropriate for me. However, there was some residual of my past creeping back which made me “compromise” myself yet again because he offered an illusion of what my life could be, as I was still caught up in the material. For the first time in my life, Rose quartz gave me the strength within myself to set boundaries in a loving and compassionate way to both myself and the other person. I have never before ended a relationship without feeling extremely guilt, and in years past have carried on the relationship to make the other party feel better which then led to anxiety. I felt extremely triumphant over this.
“Rose quartz has brought out my light heartedness; allowed me to identify relationships that are not healthy for me; given me the courage to let go of people both men and women who drain on my energy; released me of the need to be loved and in doing so given me the desire to fulfil my own life and that of my children; helped me to identify when I am feeling needy and be compassionate and loving with myself within that space; allowed me for the first time in my life to enjoy my own company and not pine or ache for another person to “plug” into to make me whole or happy; helped me to accept people for who they are and not take their behaviour personally; strengthen my ability to slowly clear old patterns of behaviour; brought me to the realisation that I am beautiful, kind and gentle, and who I am is enough; given me the courage to set boundaries with people in positions of power that cross over into my heart space and take advantage of my better nature and settled down the frequency of my anxiety attacks.”
In the last few months, as S. has taken charge of her life, she has had to face some very difficult situations. She has consolidated her considerable debt that she accumulated over the years as a result of her manic phases and is now responsibly paying it off, which, as a single mother of two, is a daunting task! She is presently single and wanting to be on her own. There are tinges of sadness but she is fully aware that this is what is required.
Her job, which began as a very promising career, has degenerated into a workplace where the pressure is extreme and as the pressure is increasing staff are taking a lot of sick leave but S. has remained firm, as she loves the work. Despite being promised salary increases that are not forthcoming, she is determined not to fall in a ‘screaming, hysterical heap’, as she would have done in the past. Over the past few years, she has been involved in a very public court case regarding her work and it is ongoing. She is determined to see it through and is standing her ground. She still does not know the outcome but if it is unfavourable, she is faced with bankruptcy.
Her mother has now become a person who recognizes her and what she has achieved. Her relationships with her children are re-building. She has gained support from her ex-husband, which would have seemed impossible last year. She is now taking Rose quartz immersion MM and reports “I am able to trust my love relationships will unfold in their own space and time, and trust that everything will always work out in the end.”
S. has naturally lost weight without dietary or physical effort. Her vagina has stopped peeling. Her voice is gentler and well modulated. She is not in her head so much, that is, she is more ‘grounded’ as the Rose quartz immersion is offering loving support. She is courageously travelling forward.
This case is an excerpt from the book “Rose Quartz, Garden of the Heart” by Peter Tumminello, published by Narayana Verlag, April 2012.
Wikimedia Commons; Rose quartz crystal; Rob Lavinsky
Flickr; Love; Kewl
Keywords: addiction to love, bi-polar, vaginal problems, sexual abuse, spender
Remedies: Rose quartz