Californium nitricum: I feel like a fragmentation bomb

The patient is a woman born in 1959. “I am stuck in my life. My son has a diagnosis of ADD and due to that I started to read all about it. I recognise myself in the ADHD picture. I take in too much and I have stored too much inside me. I am highly sensitive, I pick up too much stimulus, and I’m too acute in hearing, seeing, smelling; I feel the energy of other people. I flow into others and then too much comes into me. If there are too many people or too much busyness, then I pick up too much and lose myself; that’s when I have to retreat. It just happens, otherwise I don’t manage. If something comes from the outside then it is a great chaos inside me. I become forgetful and I get lost in my own chaos. If it is too much for me, I try to bring some structure into my life but I don’t manage to.”

“On one hand, I have a lot of impulses; I can be very enthusiastic, like a headless chicken. On the other hand, there can be no impulse at all. It is a mood disorder: either I am really fiery or really apathetic. The psychiatrist diagnosed ADHD recently, I recognise myself completely in the diagnosis of adult ADHD. “

“I have no filter. I hate the idea of psycho-pharmacy.  I took Ritalin a few times but it turned me into a zombie; everything became dull and there was only a mist in my head. I couldn’t use my mind anymore; I was slow and had no impulses at all anymore. It was like a narrow street with no colours, a terrible state to be in. It’s such a pity for all those children who have to use it and who can’t explain how they feel.”

She worked as a psychiatric nurse on a crisis intervention ward. The job was very heavy, with a lot of research and many new protocols to be implemented. She felt like the only woman in an underdog position. She has, however, “burst through all the barriers”, even when she was pregnant with her son. After coming back from pregnancy leave, she had a complete burn-out and she finally stayed home on a sickness benefit. She loves to dance and she can relieve her tensions that way.

“With the speed come the chaos and the multiplicity of impulses. It is as though everything goes faster! Through doing yoga, I have more contact with myself but it is still just “tricks” for me. I am a lively, associative, creative, and mobile person.” During the conversation her arms are going in all directions, away from each other. I ask her to repeat that motion. She says: “This is my essence: there is a core but it bursts apart like a fragmentation bomb or like firework, splintered. My centre bursts apart, it explodes. My whole life, I have been fighting an invisible enemy. I want to find a place that suits me and to be able to let go of the feeling that no matter how hard I try to do my best, I feel guilty if it doesn’t work out. I always looked for the cause of that failure in myself, taking on all the responsibility. I have fought an uphill battle, trying to be different than I am and it has made me very unhappy.”

“Sometimes there is a quiet place in myself, a valley; that’s me, too. It is quiet there; a base, a little nest. That’s where I need to look, that’s where everything begins and ends. I have always worked so incredibly hard!”

Physical complaints:

Poor sleep, light, often awake between 2 – 4 am. “Even in my sleep, everything comes in.” Wakes up with tension in the body. 

Painful SI joint, stiff in the morning; numb arms at night; lame feeling in the left arm.

Heart rhythm irregularities: “My heart races, fast and irregular, every day!”

Menopausal complaints: irregular menses, flushes, joint pains.

Prescription: Californium nitricum 200C, once per 2 weeks.

Follow-ups

After 2 months:
“So much has changed! It has become quiet inside me. For the first time, I have the peace of mind to enjoy myself. I am so much more content with myself. Before that, I felt that I was never good enough. Now, I feel lively, colourful, and wise. I can now feel “this is me!” and be happy with it. I am much more connected to my core and I enjoy that.”

Tell me about the “core”:  “It is like a soft fluid ball that stays together. Everything is in it but it stays together! My inner stream is stronger and there is less chaos.”

Prescription: continue with Californium nitricum 200C, once per 2 weeks.

After 4 and a half months:
“It is going well, I am much less fiery. I am less often pulled out of my centre. I have contact with an inner stream of energy but it is not so fragmented. I am much less chaotic, jumping from one thing to another; I experience a peace in myself. The core is wrapped up. It is a moving core but now it is as though there is a protective film around it so that the energy can’t fly out in all directions. There is something changing intensely. I always wrestled with myself, always made the wrong choices, doing that used to give me a kick. Now, I need to do that differently. I orient myself towards my work now. In my family, too, there is more peace now and for the first time I am enjoying that. The peace is so important for the children. For the first time, I feel my own base and I enjoy it!  My physical complaints are much less: my joints don’t hurt as much and my heart is quiet.”

After one year:
“I am completely centred. There is stability, sturdiness in me. I can manage my energy much better, hold onto it longer, which gives me more energy. In the past, I used to lose myself in things, go too deeply and intensely into them and then there was nothing left for me. This is an enormous improvement, now I am here, in every way, even if there is a lot going on around me. I used to have to focus on one thing, like a tunnel vision, and then I lost sight of the rest, but now I can oversee it all at once and that feels really good. I am much more present for the children and that is good for them, too. It is going much better with my hormones;  no more menopausal complaints, no more flushes, my moods are good, I feel stable. My periods are now less regular but they don’t give me problems, either before or after. My muscles, which used to be so cramped, are less tight and they don’t hurt. I don’t have any heart rhythm irregularities anymore. I stay in my own centre, I don’t lose my energy; it doesn’t shoot out in every direction anymore. I work two days a week in a stillness centre and I give massages there. I’d like to do that more. I enjoy the contact with people, I’m beginning to trust that I’m good at it.

6th follow-up:
Still centred, good energy. Menses regular, no complaints at all. Joints are good, no heart rhythm complaints, sleep is good. “I don’t feel like I am splintering anymore, that’s not going to happen to me. My energy is much better, I am busy expanding my work and I have more confidence in it. It is as though the remedy has brought something into my memory, something really good.” Quality of life? I’d say 85. I think it is higher than that but I don’t’ want to say so, just in case!”

Prescription: Californium nitricum, if needed.

Californium nitricum

Actinides:

-  all are radioactive

- the element falls apart by bombarding it, then it makes new elements

- characteristics: sensitive, feels acutely

Stage 12:

-overacting, overshooting, exaggerating

- everything is against me, an invisible enemy

- falling apart (disunite). I have lost everything in my life because of the chaos in me!

- cancer miasm: no boundaries, going over one’s boundaries, losing oneself, responsibility, task too heavy

Nitricum:

- compounds with nitricum are explosive!

- expansion, open, extravert, assertive, enthusiastic

- doing their best but not being seen

- bursting out, fierce, needs space, shooting in all directions

- problems with enjoyment

-stage 15:

 destruction, falling apart.

Nitricum according to Mahesh Ghandi

- A gas: diffuse, not concentrated

- everywhere

- difficulty focussing on issues

- loves open spaces, nature, freedom, aversion to restrictions (birth process)

- sensation of explosion

-the potential violence is largely held within nitrogen – it can explode at any moment.

Photo: Wikimedia Commons
English defensive fragmentation grenade; historicair