A case of Positronium
5 May 2010
34 year-old female (in the patient’s own words)
Anger is big for me, and depression. My number one physical complaint is achiness between my hips. It’s heavy. It brings me down. I can’t handle being touched there. It’s like this (makes a fist). That area feels angry, big, hard and heavy.
I hate it when people say, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I gravitate toward stories of other people’s misery. It makes me feel better knowing things could be worse.
I lost my best friend to cancer. We were close, we had plans in life. We’d be roommates in heaven. We were serious teenagers. I begged her parents to adopt me. I had an abortion 2 weeks after she died. It was too much. We were outsiders; excluded from those who never got in trouble for doing things we got shit for. Favoured people don’t have to abide by rules.
My sister is favoured. I hated being compared. We have different mothers. It wasn’t okay if I was better at something. I wasn’t good enough.
I felt excluded and angry! I kept a grudge. I wouldn’t tell friends she existed. I wiped her out of my life. Blood is thicker than water, people say. That’s crap.
My best friend and I didn’t fit in. She made me feel I wasn’t the only one. She walked out. I hated her for that. I was jealous. Both my sisters are better looking than me. I’m the odd one out. I don’t look like I belong.
I never belonged anywhere, being of mixed race. I didn’t know anyone who was like me. I didn’t belong and wasn’t supposed to be here. I shouldn’t have been born. If my evil stepmother had her way we wouldn’t be here.
I hold anger in. If I let it out, I’ll kill somebody. I feel like causing pain. I’m not a violent person but I feel like committing violent acts. I wish I could kill God. Being creative used to curb my destructive tendencies, to create instead of destroy. Everything is designed to make my life hard, to keep me down.
Anger festers in me. I hate being cheated or penalized. I feel I could explode. Every part of my body is filled with anger.
Explode is like a bomb, exploding into tiny pieces and I won’t be here anymore. I can’t contain anger. It’s bigger and stronger than me. I’d end up in little pieces if it got the better of me. I wouldn’t be strong enough to prevent it. I don’t really want to hurt someone but if I had a gun I’d go on a killing spree, or wrap myself in explosives and do away with myself. I want to destroy my body. I’m angry with God, the world and everybody. I just want to destroy it all! I want to do something as bad as the creation of the world is good. I want to do something that big, anger as big as the universe.
I’d have to be God-like or Satan-like. I wish I had the power of Satan to destroy the world. He’s more powerful than God. Satan is the opposite of good. Anger is Satan’s domain. You can’t have the good without the bad to judge it against. I feel like destroying everything good and bad.
The world would cease to be. It would be a black nothingness like what we started with. Nothing would exist but a black mist floating around, the universe gone, with no substance or possibility of life emerging again, not quite nothingness but the death of everything.
I see a black mist, evidence of life that is gone forever and could never come back.
When I’m really angry I hate God. I want to destroy everything he did, to get revenge on God.
As a child I was obsessed that I would go to hell.
People talking about bones or anything internal makes me ill. A breast exam makes me barf and pass out.
I like things to be clean and tidy, so I can think.
Dreams: flying in the clouds, of birds, things that fly, fairies, a flying woman.
Fears: spiders, being home alone, of robbers breaking in and killing me.
My parents were cut off from their parents for having me. I was an unwelcomed baby. If my parents behaved, I wouldn’t be here.
Analysis: Unwelcomed, not belonging, hatred, destruction, angry with God.
Prescription: Positronium 200C
MIND - DELUSIONS, God – God’s works are ill-made and ill-done
MIND - KILL; desire to
MIND - ESTRANGED - family; from his
MIND - HATRED - life itself, of
MIND - HATRED - persons - close to him
MIND - JEALOUSY - vindictive
MIND - DISGUST - grossness of physical things; at the
MIND - RAGE, fury
DREAMS - FLYING
DREAMS - FORSAKEN - everyone, by
MIND - FASTIDIOUS
Proving: “I’m wholly evil and I don’t care. Feeling evil and malevolent. Feel as if it would be a pleasure to hurt people and things. Feel I’ve got the devil inside me. I had felt a sense of malevolence and evil, as an entity or a devil inside. I felt hatred and resentment to all who are close to me, in fact to the whole world. Nothing was pure, bright and clean any more - all tarnished, decayed and impure. I hated the whole of mankind, all God’s works were ill-made and ill-done…”
Destruction and Oblivion.
Follow-up: 11 September 2010
The ache is better. I’m less angry, no urges to kill, but way more depressed.
My mother talked to herself, saying stuff I shouldn’t have heard. Talking to her was as if I hadn’t spoken. It was like being invisible. She’d get insanely mad at me, regularly, excessively. She’s evil when she’s mad, totally frightening. She looks at me like she hates me.
I haven’t been as angry. I still think God is the devil and likes to fuck with people but I’m less concerned about it.
I wanted to walk away from my family. Wanting to and not wanting to; it feels like a life sentence, like punishment.
I see everything negatively. With my kids, it’s like being torn; one gets upset if I’m conversing with the other. I can’t be what they both need me to be. It’s like being divided. Divided means not whole. I’ve always been divided. Am I my Dad’s daughter? Am I my Mom’s daughter? Going back and forth, with different expectations at each house. Things I could say in one family were the wrong things to say in the other. It made me feel not good enough.
My breasts are no longer sore before my period.
My body knows when I’m around people who were kinky with me. It feels like I could faint. Things get darker. I avoid my family.
Analysis: Depression, negativity, torn and divided.
Positronium proving: Drained by [family], pulling at me, trying to divide me. Torn apart, two opposing people, feeling guilty and in the wrong.
Prescription: Positronium 1M
Follow-up: 15 December 2010
I started working. My moods are better.
The back pain is better. I’m calmer. The depression is gone. I’m happy, with happy thoughts and things to look forward to.
Follow-up: 12 February 2011
I had the best visit ever with my mother-in-law. I feel I belong somewhere. I dream of my grandmother’s house, the closest thing to home. It was stable.
I dreamt of my first friend. He’d draw demons and devils, scary Satan. For a kid to have that in him! Now he’s quiet, and gentle, and he heals people. He made a choice for what is good. I know he feels bad about the kinky stuff he did with me. I don’t see how it could have been different. We were under the influence of our parents sleeping together.
ANALYSIS: Continued improvement.
Follow-up: 20 August 2011
I’m angry, with people, not God. I want to explode.
I’m not as important as my sister is.
My stepmother is evil.
Had a spat with a co-worker. I hate that bitch!
Prescription: Repeat Positronium 1M
Follow-up: 8 December 2011
Overall better, more peaceful, calm. The biggest difference is the constant ache in the pelvic area is much less. I’m cluttered there. After the remedy it’s always much better.
The body remembers and keeps things in, if you ignore them. It’s all locked in there. It isn’t me, but it’s in me, a retained essence of bad things. There’s no positive spin on it. The clutter is there because I haven’t dealt with it.
I’ve had an easier time with touch, more enjoyment.
I like crows. They’ve been around a long time.
Analysis: Continued improvement.
Dreams of birds: positronium.
Jessica Jackson lives and practices homeopathy in Edmonton, Alberta. Website: www. edmontonhomeopathy.ca
Photo: Wikimedia Commons
Illustration for John's Milton "Lost Paradise" by Gustave Doré, 1866
Keywords: anger, depression, negativity, destroy, explode, universe, God, Satan, torn, divided